Get Your Free Book! Learn MoreGet My Book Today

Animal Kink

Critters are way crazier than humans

You think humans have cornered the market on kinky sex?

Nope. No way. No how.

Animals are crazy about sex and how they attract mates.

Let’s start with the red velvet mite.

When this crazy guy is ready to settle down, he builds a garden house, also called a love garden.

Sounds nice, right?

No, it’s kind of icky.

The red velvet mite uses his sperm to fuse together parts of plants and then he leaves a trail of his goo for passing females to find. If one thinks his giz is special, she’ll come inside his home and sit on a sperm chair or package and mating is done. Their DNA will be passed on.

Not only is the house kind of gross but the deed itself is quite anti-climatic.

There is some drama, though.

Other, lazy, male red velvet mites just might steal all the guys hard work. If the lazy dude-mite finds the love garden while the hard-working male is out gathering plants to glue with his cum, the lazy dude-mite messes everything up AND leaves his sperm for the sperm chair/package.

Then, if the female comes along (no pun intended) and goes inside, she’ll impregnate herself with the lazy dude’s sperm.

What a douche move and that guy’s DNA is passed along. Life sucks sometimes.

Here are some other mating rituals that make me glad I’m a human-animal.

Male giraffes, when looking for a mate, sniff the female’s butt.

So what, you say?

Well, the female tries to pee when he’s there so he can slurp some up. He can tell by the taste if she’s ready to mate.

Geez guy, put some effort into it. Take her to the watering hole and get her a drink. Kiss her neck. There’s no shortage of that. Do something to put her in the mood.

But, nope. Not the way giraffes roll.

And their hippo friends are even worse.


Hippos participate in a practice called dung showering. (no, thanks. I’m going to pass)

The males do this to mark their territories. Some of them can fling that poo up to two meters away. (Do you think this will ever become an Olympic Sport? I’d watch…from home. Definitely, not in the crowd.)

But, while the male is walking around strutting his stuff, if a female is interested, she’ll raise her bum in the air (I’m with her so far) and then do a little poop showering of her own (okay, lost me right there). This mating ritual is called Submissive Defecation.

Don’t worry. That will NEVER be in any of my books.

There are a lot more weird animal mating habits – like a beetle that is going extinct because it prefers beer bottles to female beetles. Click here to read the full article.





  1. Ann Hupe says:

    Hahahaha!! I graduated with a degree in biology, and I can attest that the animal word STILL surprises me. Like the penis of an echidna having four heads but only two ejaculate at the same time. (Check out this website’s webpage and play the video. And you thought you knew everything about echidna semen…)

    I’m really surprised about the eagle threesome. I used to live in Alaska, and we had a mated pair of eagles about twenty feet from our balcony. We watched them raise their young each year. If I was a female eagle, I’d rather have two males helping me out because feeding eaglets is a real pain in the butt, especially when they start getting bigger. It does take at least three adults to feed them fresh salmon.

    1. Linda Odea says:

      I’ve never seen eagles feed their young but I have seen other birds and it is a LOT of work. 🙂 Love the link. Now, I know all I want to know about echidna penis – I wasn’t aware that I wanted to know anything about it. LOL

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.