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Naughty Christmas Songs

I was reminded of this email from 2018 by a reader who sang the naughty 12 days of Christmas to her military boyfriend's voicemail and a lot of soldiers heard it.

Not a bad job for an elf. Beats making toys in a sweat shop.

You can find this saying on everything from T-shirts to napkins.

Okay. Yes, I had to. I just did.

We’re all here because we like sex and sexy things.

Most don’t associate Christmas with sex or do they…

Apparently, either I haven’t been listening to the right Christmas songs or I haven’t really been listening to them (wink, wink).

I knew the song, “Santa Baby” was naughty ever since seeing it performed at a Karaoke Club where I used to work. The poor guy who’d been wrangled into going up there “just to sit” turned so red I thought his head was going to explode (no pun intended).

But, I never knew some of these other songs existed or I didn’t interpret the lyrics in quite the right way.

Yes, I’ve heard Mommy Kissing Santa Claus but to me it was about a woman kissing her husband when he was playing Santa.

That’s it.
A kiss.
Innocent enough.

However, I never imagined Santa Claus is Back in Town to be…well, bordering on pedophilia—unless you assume his “little girl” is actually referring to a woman. Let’s assume that.

“Elvis Presley sings, “Well, you be a real good little girl/Santa Claus is back in town” and “Hang up your pretty stockings and turn off the light/Santa Claus is comin’ down your chimney tonight.””

Oh my, I’m definitely going to assume he’s talking to a woman.

Now, the song “Backdoor Santa”
First, I never even knew it existed.
However, with that title are any of us really surprised by lyrics like:

“I ain’t like the old Saint Nick/He don’t come but once a year.”

I think not.

Then there’s the song, “Santa Claus Got Stuck in My Chimney”.
Innocent enough, right?
NOT.

Here’s one lyric that’ll tell you exactly what “her chimney” is.

“Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney/When he came last year.”

I wonder what kind of gift showed up nine months later.

“Santa’s a right jolly old elf. He should know how to pull out.”

Well, that’s it for me. My dirty mind is spinning and I know that from now on I’ll be listening to holiday songs with a keen ear for kink.

Here’s the link if you want to listen to some naughty Christmas songs for the first time, or hear them again with a more discriminating ear.

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