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What NOT to put in your vagina

Wasp nests are one of those things

I do a lot of research for my emails and this blog post and sometimes I come across things that shock me. I don’t shock easily but yet, people manage.

God, I love the Internet.

So, today let’s talk about what NOT to put in your vagina.

There are plenty of wonderful things that you can put inside your vagina. Most of these things come from those lovely creatures we call men – or women if you prefer.

Tongues, fingers, cocks. All of those are great things to put inside your pussy. You can even go the toy route with or without your partner.

A few things that you want to stay away from is any kind of food that’s sugary or can get lost up there. This include popsicles. Yes, it gets hot outside but this is NOT a good way to cool down. That part of your body is best when hot and wet.

Why would anyone do that?

But, women are.

Doctors are urging women not to put popsicles inside their vaginas.

Women are putting popsicles in their vaginas because it’s too damn hot.

Adding sugar up there can set your natural balance off skew and cause urinary infections and other problems, so play it safe. Remember, your who-ha is not a glass of ice tea. It doesn’t need ice or sugar (although, ice play can be fun for your erogenous zones). In general, keep the food to the outside parts.

Stay away from the opposite end of the spectrum too. No steam in your most private part. This V-steam has been endorsed by Gweneth Paltrow (who wouldn’t take an actor’s word over a doctor’s on matters of anatomy and health – lol). She claims it cleanses your uterus.

The premise is that the herbs put in the steaming pot will enter your body and cleanse those hard to reach places. The women squat over this hot, pot of water and let the steam flow into them.

Dr. Jen Gunter had this to say about the practice.

“Ms. Paltrow and the people who push V-steams also need a little anatomy lesson because unless that steam is under high pressure (like with ejaculation) it’s not getting from the vagina into the uterus. Air (whether hot or cold) does not magically wander from the vagina into the uterus. Heck, even water in the vagina doesn’t get sucked up by the uterus.”

Okay. Now, let’s move on to vegetables. Do not put a cucumber in your vagina (there are plenty of dildos and vibrators out there for just this purpose).

In this one, you peel the cucumber and then put it into your pussy, twisting it and sliding it in and out. It’s supposed to balance your ph levels (it does not) and make you smell salad fresh. (Is smelling like a cucumber down there something you really want? I’ve never, ever heard a guy say, “Oh, I love the smell of that cucumber.” Bacon, yes, but don’t put that inside your pussy either.)

And this whole cucumber cleanse sounds a little like getting off with a veggie to me. Just buy a dildo and stop making excuses for masterbating. It’s normal. It’s healthy (if you use the right equipment) and it’s fun.

Another (but unfortunately not the most cringe-worthy) thing that women have been putting inside their vaginas is garlic. They believe that it’ll cure a yeast infection. According to Dr. Gunter, it doesn’t. 

I’m all for home remedies and herbs over medicine but your vagina is a very sensitive area. Don’t put anything inside there that wasn’t made to go in there. It can be dangerous. And speaking of dangerous this last one still makes me cringe.

I hate that I have to say it but DO NOT put wasp’s nests inside our vagina.

There. I said it.

I’m sure, like me, you’ll be happy to know that they were empty wasp’s nests, not live active ones (I hurt just thinking about that. Not only would a sting down there be super painful, it wouldn’t be all that fun for the wasp either.)

This treatment is supposed to not only clean your vagina but tighten it too.

Okay, I have to ask. Why do women think their vaginas are so f***king dirty. Bathe regularly and they are as clean as any other part of your body. Plus, the internal part is self cleaning. Just wash the outside areas.

So ladies, to recap…

Your vaginas don’t need special cleaning. Soap and water on the outside does just fine.

Also, keep sugary things on the outside of your body. If you want to use a cucumber for a dildo, wrap it in a condom first to ensure you don’t get any bacteria. And please, please, keep nests of any kind and hot steam away from your private parts.

Ellis

 

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